



PRICE IS CENTS. 



DE WITT'S ACTING- PLAYS. 

(Number 214.) 




TURN HIM OUT. 

IIST ONE ACT. 



By THOMAS J. WILLIAMS, Esq., 

^or of « Dandelion's Dodges" « Coftmo* ** 93," <M AM Pre 
tector" -A Charming Pair? " The Volunteer Review, etc. 



As First Performed at the Royal Strand Theatre, 

London. 



TO WHICH ABE ADDED, 

A. description of the Costumes-Synopsis of the Piece-Cast ot the Characters 

-Entrances and Exits -Relative Positions of the Performers on 

the Stage, and the whole of the Stage Business. 




tto-Sork : 

CLINTON T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER, 

No. 33 Rose Street. 




A COMPLETE DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE OF DE WITT'S ACTING 
NOW y pUY s, AND DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMAS, containing 
•READY I plot ' Costume ' Scenery, Time of Representation, and every other informa- 
tion, mailed free and post-paid. 



I 



DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS. 



0T" Please notice that nearly all the Comedies, Farces and Comediettas in the following 
l ist o/De Witt's Acting Plays" are very suitable for representation in small Amateur Thea- 
tres and on Parlor Stages, as they need but little extrinsic aid from complicated scenery or 
expensive costumes. They have attained their deserved popularity by their droll situations, 
excellent plots, great humor and brilliant dialogues, no less than by the fact that they are the 
most perfect in every respect of any edition of plays ever published either in the United States 
or Europe, whether as regards purity of the text, accuracy and fulness of stage directions and 
scenery, or elegance of typography and clearness of printing. 

*** In ordering please copy the figures at the commencement of each piece, which indicate 
the number of the piece in "De Witt's List op Acting Plays." 

Up Any of the following Plays sent, postage free, on receipt of price — 15 
cents each. 

Address, ROBERT M. DE WITT, 

JVo. S3 Hose Street, JVen> York. 



The figure 
Acts. The figures 
F. female. 

No. M - r - 

75. Adrienne, drama, 3 acts 7 3 

114. Anything for a Change, comedy, 13 3 

167. Apple Blossoms, comedy, 3 acts. . . 7 3 

93. Area Belle (The), farce, 1 act 3 2 

40. Atchi, comedietta, 1 act 3 2 

89. Aunt Charlotte's Maid, farce. 1 act. . 3 3 

192. Game of Cards (A), c medietta, 1 3 1 

166. BardeH vs. Pickwick, sketch, 1 act. 6 2 

41. Beautiful Forever, farce, 1 act 2 3 

141. Bells (The), drama, 3 acts 9 3 

67. Birthplace of Podgers, farce, 1 act. . 7 3 
36. Black Sheep, drama, 3 acts 7 5 

160. Blow for Blow, drama, 4 acts 11 6 

70. Bonnie Fish Wife, farce, 1 act 3 1 

179. Breach of Promise,, drama, 2 acts. . 5 2 

25. Broken-Hearted Club, comedietta, 14 8 

24. Cabman, No. 93, farce, 1 act 2 2 

1. Caste, comedy, 3 acts 5 3 

69. Caught by the Cuff, farce, 1 act. .... 4 1 

175. Cast upon the World, drama, 5acts.l0 5 
55. Catharine Howard, historical play, 

3acts 12 5 

80. Charming pair, farce, 1 act 4 3 

65. Checkmate, comedy, 2 acts 6 5 

68. Chevalier de St. George, drama, 3 9 3 

76. Chops of the Channel, farce, 1 act. 3 2 

149. Clouds, comedy, 4 acts 8 

121. Comical Countess, farce, 1 act 3 

107. Cupboard Love, farce, 1 act „ 2 

152. Cupid's Eye-Glass, comedy, 1 act... 1 

Cup of Tea, comedietta, 1 act 3 

Cut off with a Shilling, comedietta, 

1 act 2 

Cvrill'a Success, comedy, 5 acts — 10 
Captain of the Watch (The), come 



following the name of the Play denotes the number of 
in the columns indicate the number of characters — M. male; 



I No. 
1 21. 

186. 
47. 

13 . 



148. 



IS 

dietta, 1 act 4 2 

20. Daddy Gray, drama, 3 acts 8 4 

4. Dandelion's Dodges, fane, 1 act 4 2 

22. David ijarrick, comedy, 3 acts 8 3 

96. Dearest Mamma, comedietta, 1 act, 4 3 

16. Dearer than Life, drama, 3 acts — 6 5 

58. Deborah (Leah) drama, 3 acts 7 6 

125. Ih-crfoot, farce. 1 act 5 1 

71. Doing for the- Best, drama, 2 acts.. 5 3 

142. Dollars and Cents, comedy, 3 acts.. 9 4 



M. F. 

Dreams, drama, 5 acts 

Duchess de la Valliere, play, 5 acts 

Easy Shaving, farce, 1 act 

Everybody's Friend, comedy, 3acts, 

200. Estranged, an operetta, 1 act 

103. Fausr and Marguerite, drama, 3 acts 
9. Fearful Tragedy in the Seven Dials 

interlude, 1 act , 

128. Female Detective, drama, 3 acts 

101. Fernande. drama, 3 acts 

99. Fifth Wheel, comedy, 3 acts 

145. First Love, comedy, 1 act 

102. Foiled, drama. 4 acts 9 

88. Founded on Facts, farce, 1 act.. . . 4. 

74. Garrick Fever, farce, 1 act 7 

53. Gertrude's Money Box, farce, 1 act. 4 
73. Golden Fetter (Fettered), drama, 3 11 
30. Goose with the Golden Eggs, farce, 

1 act 5 

Go to Putney, farce, 1 act 4 

Happy Pair, comedietta, 1 act 1 

Hard Case (A), farce, 1 act 2 

Henry Dunbar, drama, 4 acts 10 

Henty the Fifth, historical play, 5 

He's a Lunatic, farce, 1 act 

Hidden Hand, drama, 4 acts 

His Own Enemy, farce, 1 act 

Home, comedy, 3 acts 

Household Fairy, sketch, 1 act 

Hunting the Slipper, farce, 1 act 

High C, comedietta, 1 act 4 

Hunchback (The), play, 5 acts 14 

If I Had a Thousand a Year, farce, 

1 act 4 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, original Irish 

stew, 1 act 

In for a Holiday, farce, 1 act 2 

In the Wrong House, farce, 1 act. . . 4 

Isabella Orsini, drama, 4 acts 11 

177. I Shad Invite the Major, comedy, 1 4 

100. Jack Long, drama, 2 acts 9 

139. Joy is Dangerous, comedy, 2 acts... 3 
17. Kind to a Fault, comedy, 2 acts.... 6 

86. Lady of Lyons, play, 5 acts 12 

72. Lame Excuse, farce, 1 act 4 



131. 

28. 

151. 

8. 

ISO. 

19. 

60. 
187. 
174. 

64. 
190 
191. 
197. 

18. 

116. 

129. 
159. 

122. 



3 2 
3 

2 

4 
1 
2 
3 
4 
5 
2 



TUKN HIM OUT 



% Jfata, 



IN ONE ACT 



By THOMAS J. WILLIAMS, Esq., 

Author of "Dandelion's Dodges," "Cabman No. 93, 1 ' "A Silent Protector," "The 
Volunteer Revieiv," "A Charming Pair,'''' etc. 



AS FIRST PRODUCED AT THE EOYAL STRAND THEATRE, LONDON, 



TO WHICH AKE ADDED 

A DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUME — CAST OF THE CHARACTERS — EN- 
TRANCES AND EXITS — RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE 
PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE 
OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. 



#n 



NEW YOKK: 
CLINTON T. DE WITT, PUBLISHER, 

(SUCCESSOR TO R. M. DE WITT), 

No. 33 Rose Street. 



is 



TUEN HIM OUT. 






CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Royal Strand Theatre, Neio Bowery Theatre, 
London. New York. 

Nicodemus Nobbs (itinerant vendor 

of juvenile toys— first low comedy). Mr. Turner Mr. George Brookes. 

Mr. Macintosh Moke Mr. Vollaiue Mr. Glassford. 

Mr. Eglantine Roseleaf Mr. Belford Mr. Marden. 

Julia (Moke's wife) Miss Thorne Mrs. Boniface. 

Susan (a maid of all work) Miss Jenny White. . .Miss Kate Newton. 

Two Porters 



TIME IN REPRESENTATION— FORTY-FIVE MINUTES. 



SCENERY. 



SCENE.— A neatly furnished apartment. At back a window with large curtains; 



I I I I— ■ 

Door. Window 

LJ with large curtains. 

Cupboard. 

Door. . Door. 



Door. #L aT^-ff Two Easy Chairs. Door, 



Table and Chairs. 
r. c. 



Orchestra. 



l. of window a door; two doors r.; two doors l.; table k. a; cupboard in f. r.; 
two easy chairs ; chairs. 



COSTUMES. 

Nobbs.— Velveteen jacket, corduroy trousers, red neckerchief, hat with dolly fas- 
tened round it, etc., etc. 

Moke.— First 'Dress : Smart tweed lounging suit, white hat. Second Dress : Large 
mackintosh and overall, wide-awake, comforter, etc. 

Roseleaf.— Dandified make up, light paletot, eye-glass, whiskers a la Dundreary, 
lavender kid gloves. 

Julia.— Fashionable walking dress. 

Susax.— Very smart maid servant's dress, cap with pink ribbon, apron, etc., etc. 



PROPERTIES. 
Lot of toy windmills and dolls for Nobbs; half-sovereign, large trunk, dressing 
gown and smoking cap for Nobbs ; small tray, plates, dishes, knives and forks, 
jug, glasses, carving knife, letters. 






TURN HIM OUT. 



SYNOPSIS. 

Susan, a maid of all work, is putting things to rights in a neat apartment, when 
she complains that the lazy painter has left his ladder " just outsiia oar first lioor 
window. 1 ' Then she hears the voice of Nicodemus Nobbs, shouting i; Windmills " 
outside the door. As six years before he had been her sweetheart in their native 
village, she makes signs for him to come to her, when she discovers her mistress, 
Julia (Mrs. Moke), coming "full chivey, 11 and a "dandy gent 1 ' pursuing her. 
Julia rushes in and slams to the door. Eglantine Roseleaf is heard outside, 
clamoring for admittance. Julia tells her maid that the impertinent puppy has 
been following her every time she went out. Susan expresses her wonder that 
Mr. Moke does not return. Suddenly Roseleap's head appears at the open win 
dow. Julia, alarmed, rushes off, and the intruder, despite the girl's noisy objec- 
tions, enters the room, inquiring for the mistress of this "cxtwemely desiwable 
villa wesidence. 1 ' Roseleaf bribes Susan to hide him. She locks him in a closet, 
intending to hand him over to the police. Julia comes back, and expressing a 
wish to have the intruder expelled without the publicity of police interference, the 
maid calls in Nobbs, who quickly recognizes her, and readily agrees to put Julia's 
persecutor into the street. The females retire, Susan's last remark being " Just 
give it to the imperent coxcomb ." Nobbs removes his windmills out of harm's 
way, and returning finds himself face to face' with Moke, who is got up quite 
" fancy, 1 '' and is dancing gayly about the room. Nobbs, taking him for the in- 
. trading " swell, 1 ' orders him out of the house, and upon his indignantly refusing 
to go, proceeds to give him "one, two, threj," and then clutching him fiercely, 
pitches him out ; Moke crying " Murder, 11 when a tremendous bumping is heard, 
and the terrified Roseleap enters. He quickly returns to his hiding place as 
Nobbs is heard coming back, and Susan hurries him away, after a little courting 
scene, to get him his half-sovereign reward from " Missus. 11 Roseleap, however, 
heard Nobbs, and tries to get off through the back door, when Moke enters, with- 
out seeing him. Moke is in a fearfully dilapidated condition. lie starts as he sees 
Roseleap — but the latter explains that he has called to collect the income tax. 
Moke is too much flurried to weigh probabilities, and peeping through the key- 
hole he sees Julia giving money to Nobbs— the fellow who had just turned him 
out of his own house He quickly enters into an agreement with Roseleaf by 
which they agree to fall upon Nobbs together, and pummel him severely. For this 
purpose they hide , but Roseleaf contrives to steal off. Nobbs and Susan enter, 
and the former is treated to a "quencher 1 ' of Moke's best brandy. Susan goes 
off, and Moke whistles for Roseleap. Nobbs, not half satisfied that he has fairly 
earned his half-sovereign, pounces upon Moke once more, and drags him forward. 
Then he "pitches into him" scientifically, winding up by carrying him off the 
stage, amidst an uproarious smashing of windows, Julia and Susan rush in to 
learn from Nobbs that he has dropped the fellow out of the window, and that he 
had the " owdicity to say he was the proprietor of Sunflower Lodge.' 1 At this 
moment two porters enter carrying a large trunk belonging to Moke. They set it 
down, saying that the owner is not far off. Then they retire, and Julia, feeling 
safe in the nearness of her husband, dismisses Nobbs with thanks. Julia sits 
down, and takes up her work, and tells Susan to say nothing of what has occurred 
to her master. The trunk lid rises and Moke's head is seen. Then Roseleaf 
peeps into the room. Julia screams, and Susan runs to the kitchen for Nobbs. 
Roseleaf seeing Nobbs coming, goes into a side door, and Susan seeing the trunk 
lid fall down, supposes Roseleaf has hid in it, and the key is turned. They find 
Roseleaf's baton the table, with his address in it, and Nobbs drags the box out 
to send it to R.'s house. Roseleaf enters, and terrifies the women, who tell him 
they thought he had just been carried off in the trunk to his own residence. He 



4: TURN HTM OUT. 

is afraid his rich aunt will hear of his escapade, and runs off. When Nobbs re- 
turns, having left the trunk at 16 Rosemary Villas, and learns that the fellow has 
heen there in his absence, he insists that he " arnt no hordinary interloper— he's a 
wampire." So grateful is Mrs. Moke to their " heroic defender," Nobbs, that she 
orders Susan to lay out a lunch for him, and as he says he looks too shabby to sit 
clown in the lady's presence, she gives him a dressing-gown and smoking-cap. Julia 
retires, and Susan and Nobbs sit clown to a cosy repast. Moke enters, thoroughly 
disguised, as bearer of a letter to Mrs. Moke from her husband. Susan snappish] y 
takes the letter and goes with it to her mistress, while Moke stamps with rage at 
seeing the condition of affairs. Nobbs, between mouthfuls, tells Moke how kind 
the lady is to him, and that he wishes that "Old Moke 1 ' would stay away alto- 
gether. Mr. M. is raging, and Nobbs don't know what to make of his strange 
actions, when Susan and her mistress enter. The latter is reading her husband's 
letter, and is mystified by its saying that she had hired "an assassin in corduroys 
to throw him out of the window." She then says to the supposed letter-bearer, 
" Where is my husband ?" Roseleaf enters and offers his arm to take her to him. 
Moke suddenly throws off his disguise, and striking a tragic attitude exclaims— 
"Moke is himself again ! Oh ! Ah !" At last the truth breaks upon Julia, and 
she says to Nobbs, "You have been turning out the wrong man." Matters are 
explained to Moku, and then all the indignation'is turned upon Roseleaf. Moke 
and Nobbs are about to throw him out of the window, when at Mrs. M.'s interces- 
sion he is allowed to go free, Nobbs not only being forgiven for his rough tricks 
by Moke, but retained— to the delight of Susan— as " wally-de-sham." 



EXPLANATION OF THE STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
The Actor is supposed to face the Audience. 



**V. E. 



SCENE. 



B.SE. 
B.2B. 

J 

/ 



/ 



/ 



b. a. 



Audience. 



\ 



\ 



X»2H» 

L. IE, 



\ 



1*0. 



L. Left. 

•l. c. Left Centre. 

l. 1 E. Left First Entrance. 

L. 2 r. Left Second Entrance. 

l. 3 e. Left Third Entrance. 

L. u. e. Left Upper Entrance 

(wherever this Scene may be.) 

V. l. c. Door Left Centre. 



c Centre. 

R. Right. 

it. 1 e. Right First Entrance. 

B. 2 e. Right Second Entrance. 

it. 3 E. Right Third Entrance- 

it. u. E. Right Upper Entrance. 

d. B. c- Door Eight Centre. 



TUBN HIM OUT. 



SCENE. — A neatly furnished apartment. At back, c, a window with 
large curtains ; l. of window a door ; two doors, r. ; two doors, l. ; 
table, r. c. ; cupboard in flat, r ; two easy chairs ; chairs. Susan 
discovered looking out of the open window. 

Susan. Lawks, what a lazy fellow that painter is, to be sure; he's 
leaving off work again. I declare, if he hasn't left his ladder just out- 
side our first floor window, (coming down) Well, this is a lively sort of 
place for a maid of all-work. What could indooced master to come and 
live in such a out o' the way spot 7 He calls it his " suburban retreat," 
and a pretty treat it is ; " No thoroughfare " stuck up at one end of the 
lane^and a deep ditch in the other. I declare, it's that dismal that the 
afternoon milk's a positive treat, and the nine o'clock beer's a downright 
excitement. (Nobb's voice heard outside, " Only a halfpenny.") Hallo ! 
what's that? Why, dear me, there's a man selling tiddly windmills. 
{astounded) Well, I never ; if it arn't my old sweetheart, Nicodemus 
Nobbs. 1 declare, I arn't seen him ever since he left our village six 
years ago. {making signs to him) Hi, Mr. Nobbs. hi — holloa ! Why, 
if there arn't missus a coming full chivey down the lane, and a dandy 
gent, in lavender kids, a running after her. Well. I never see such im- 
pudence ! 

Enter Julia hastily, door l. in flat. 

Jolia {slamming and locking door). Safe at last, The impertinent 
puppy ! 

Susan. Why, what's the matter, ma'am 1 

Roseleaf {outside). Open the door, or I shall expire on the mat — I 
weally shall ! 

Julia {indignantly). Leave the house directly, sir, or I'll send for the 
police. 

Rose. I'll wetire for the present ; but I'll weturn. I said I would, 
and so I will, 'pon my sacwed honor ! 

Julia. Presumptuous coxcomb ! {listening — noise of retreating foot- 
steps) Ah ' he's going. 

Susan. But who is he, mum 1 

Julia (l.). I have no idea. One of those empty-headed fops, whose 
only pleasure is to persecute unprotected females by their hateful atten- 
tions. Every time I have been out this week I have been waylaid by 
that odious fellow ; and this time, he has not only had the audacity to 
follow me home, but, when I opened the door with my latch-key, he 
positively forced his way into the passage ! 

Susan (r.). Well, I never did ! This comes o' master's being away 
from home. I declare, if I was married, I'd never allow my husband 
to go out of town by hisself — that I wouldn't! Howsomedever, I 
s'pose he'll soon be back now 1 



6 TURN HIM OUT. 

Julia. He says nothing about coming home in his last letter ; I can't 
think what's detaining him. {stopping) I am sure that impertinent fel- 
low is walking about under the window now. 

Susan. I'll just have a peep, {approaches window, c.) Oh! goodness 
gracious, lawk a mussy, he's coming up the painter's ladder ! 

Julia {who has meanwhile approached window— in horrible alarm). 
Ah ! as I live, 'tis my odious persecutor ! {runs away from window— at 
this moment Ruseleap's head is seen through open window.) 

Rose. Aw, aw ! I said I would, and so I will, 'pon my sacwed honor. 

Julia {horribly alarmed). Don't let him in — send him. away — upset 
him ! What unheard of audacity. [Bushes off, first door, l. 

Susan {bawling). Go away, sir — adone, sir ; why, he's getting in. 
(Roseleaf gets in at window) Go away, imperence ! get out, how dare 
you 

Rose. Where's the lovely mistwess of this extwemely desiwable villa 
wesidence ? 

Susan. What's that to you, Mr. Imperence 1 If you don't take your- 
self out of this extwemely desiwable villa residence directly, I'll give 
you in charge. 

Rose. Now don't be so fewocious— couldn't you contwive me an in- 
terview with the adowable cweature 1 

Susan {indignantly). No, I couldn't ! 

Rose {prchtcing purse). Couldn't you manage to secwete me some- 
where, so th i I might wush forth, and take the distwacting cweature by 
surpwise 1 Ah, ah ! I'll stand half-a-cwown. 

Susan {aside). A bright idea; I will secwete him somewhere, and 
lock him in while I fetch a policeman, {aloud) La ! now, what persever- 
ing creatures you gentlemen are — just step in here, and I'll see what 
I can do for you. 

Rose {complacently — second door, r.). It stwuck me she'd come 
round — the dear cweatures can't wesist me, aw, aw! I said I would, 
and so I will, 'pon my sacwed honor, {enters.) 

Susan {turning key). There you are, my fine fellow, safe under lock 
and key, [imitating) 'pon my sacwed honor ! 

Re-enter Julia, door l. 

Julia {looking round) Is he gone ? 

Susan. Not he; hush! he's there, {pointing to room) I've locked him 
in, and now I'm off for a policeman. 

Jul. Run, run — but stay, a policeman always involves a crowd — and 
as my husband is from home, any fuss of that sort would be very annoy- 
ing [puzzled) Now, what is to be done? 

Nobbs {outside, heard calling). Only a halfpenny. 

Susan. I know what's to be done; there's a friend of mine outside, I'll 
call him up. (goes to window.) 

Julia {following, surprised). A friend of yours 1 

Susan. Yes, a young man in the windmill interest, {at window, calling) 
Hi ! you with the mills ! 

Julia {surprised). Why, surely yon are not calling that peddler? 

Susan. You leave it to me, mum— he'll turn him out like a flash o' 
lightning. Hi, Mr. Nobbs, hi ! 

Nob. {outside). Who's a calling o' Nobbs 1 

Julia {aside). Dear, dear, what a very disagreeable necessity, to be 
sure. (Susan opens door, l. p.) 

Enter Nobbs, door, l. f. Re icears a velveteen jacket, corduroy 




TUKN HIM OUT, 7 

trousers, and colored neckerchief — he carries an immense stock of 
toy windmills, the whole of which are in motion — dolls and other 
toys in baskets 

Nob. (a, declaiming). Want anything in the diminutive windmill 
line ? Only a halfpenny — hobserve the slightest habitation of the harm 
sets the whole hedifice in haction. (pulling string) Hindependent of 
hany hartificial hassistance from hair or hatmosphere! 

Susan (l., emphatically). It ain't mills we want, Mr. Nobbs. 

Nob. (starting). Mr. Nobbs ! (tragically) Why, no — yes — yes — no — 
yes, it is— it is. What, Susy Hopkins! (rushes to embrace her with 
stock of windmills on Jiis arm) Why, Susy, I ain't seed you ever since 
I left the village. 

Susan. Well, Mr. Nobbs, it is permiscuous, ain't it 1 But we mustn't 
waste time in how-de-doing — missus here wants you to do her a service. 

Julia (r.). In exchange for half-a-sovereign. 

Nob. (astonished). Half-a-sovereign? By jingo, what wouldn't I do 
for half-a-sovereign 1 (putting down mills.) 

Julia. My good fellow, I want you to rid my house of a person who 
annoys me dreadfully. 

Nob. A broker's man, I dare say — I'm on to him! 

Susan. It ain't a brokers man; it's a dandified fellow as has been per- 
secutin' missus. 

Nob. (carefully tucking up sleeves). Where is he 1 I'll persecute 
him. (pointing to stack of mills) Them's not the only mills I'm accus- 
tomed to— *Tm a dabster at the "one, two, three." (strikes a fancy box- 
ing attitude) I was going in for the championship, but couldn't find no 
backers, and training's expensive! (strikes another fancy attitude.) 

Julia. Pray use no unnecessary violence. 

N03. But mayn't I just give him one for hisself? 

Julia. No — no. 

Nob. (striking another fancy attitude). Mayn't I just tip him the 
postman's knock ? 

Julia. No, no. All I want you to do is to simply turn him out as 
speedily as possible. 

Nob. (excited). Turn him out. I'll turn him out — but where is he 1 

Susan. Hush ! he's in this room, (crosses to door, r.) I'll unlock the 
door, (quietly unlocks door, r.) 

Julia (crosses tc l.). We'll now retire and leave you to commence 
operations. 

Susan, (going — aside to Nobbs, pantomiming boxing), I say, Nobbs, 
just give it to the imperent coxcomb. 

Nob. All right, Susy, you leave him to me. 

[Exeunt Julia and Susan, l. 

Nob. (alone). I'll give him ten shillings' worth ; he shall have the 
exact wally in black and blue, {begins systematically taking off his 
coat.) 

Rose, (opens door and pops his head out, not seeing Nobbs). Vewy 
stwange that servant doesn't come to welease me. (perceiving Nobbs) 
Good gwacious ! a vulgar cweature in cordewoys — I'd better wetire 
again, (disappears.) 

Nob. (continuing his preparations). To think, now, that I should 
come across my old flame Susy Hopkins in this permiscuous manner — 
but, stop a bit, before I commence operations I must first of all put my 
stock in trade out of harm's way — I'll just deposit my mills on the mat 
outside, and then for business. I'll accommodate him with ten shillings' 
worth! [Exit, l. door in fiat. 



8 TURN HIM OUT. 

Enter Moke, l. 3 k. ; he is dressed in a somewhat loud travelling suit* 

Moke. Aha ! here I am at last. How delightful it is, after a long, 
fatiguing journey, to find one's self safe and snug at home, with the re- 
freshing^prospect of lunch, dressing-gown and slippers in prospective. 
I've left my luggage at the " Pig and Mermaid," and have come in 
through the garden and up the back staircase, on purpose to take my 
little wify by surprise ! How delighted my little wify will be to see 
me. {knowingly) She thinks I have been travelling on particular busi- 
ness ; but not a bit of it. (chuckling) I've been having a delightful 
fortnight all to myself at Scarborough. Oh ! that distracting little 
widow in the velvet hat and feathers, how delightfully she danced the 
Polka Mazourka-! she mistook me for a gay young bachelor. Aha! 
what a deceitful young dog I am. (begins dancing about) Tra, la, la, 
tra, la, la — it's too bad of me, it really is, hut it's a way I've got. (con- 
tinues dancing and singing in a highly conceited manner.) 

Re-enter Nobbs, door l. 

Nob. (perceiving Moke and mistaking him for Roseleaf, watches 
him for a moment and then exclaims) Oho ! there you are. (crosses.) 

Moke (starting and stopping short). Eh ! 

Nob. (sarcastically). You're a pretty dancer, you are. 

Moke [surprised). Who the devil's this 1 

Nob. You've come out, have you? 

Moke (surprised). Come out 1 

Nob. [menacingly). You inweterate scoundrel ! (advancing towards 
him) Now then, just hook it, will you % 

Moke (surprised). Me hook it 1 

Nob. How dare you go about intruding yourself into the buzzims of 
respectable families, through their first floor windows 1 

Moke (surprised). What the devil do you mean 1 

Nob. (continuing). You're a pretty sort of chap to go galliwanting — 
ho ! ho ! there's a phizzy mahogany ! 

Moke (surprised). A phizzy mahogany 1 

Nob. Vy you ought to be ashamed o' yourself at your time o' life, 
you wild destroyer of domestic peace — don't you see that the good 
lady won't have nothing to say to yer I 

Moke (astounded). The good lady — what good lady 1 

Nob. Vy, the good lady as lives here. 

Moke (astounded). What, Mrs. M. 1 

Nob. Her name ain't nothing to do with the matter, (scornfully) You 
thought you were going to come the gay deceiver, did yer 1 

Moke (bewildered). Gay deceiver ! 

Nob. But it aru't to be done. I'm here ! 

Moke. I see you are. (angrily) Why the devil are you here 1 

Nob. (impressively). Why — why, to turn you out, and in double 
quick time, too. 

Moke. Turn me out ! (bursting into a toioering passion) Turn out 
yourself, vile costermonger ! 

Nob. Costermonger ! (squaring up at him in a highly scientific atti* 
tilde) Just favor me with that 'ere hobserwation again ! 

Moke (retreating round table). Get out of the house, you outrage- 
ous specimen of plebeian impertinence ! 

Nob. (who has meanwhile continued his scientific evolutions). Aha ! 
do you want to fall over the carpet in little diminutive morsels ? (seizes 
anil shakes him violently.) 






TURN HIM OUT. 



Moke {roaring). On, oh! Why, the monster's as strong as a lion. 

TiPpvp (to ' 

Nob * (dragging him towards door). Out with you ! .'«•"« 

Rose . (JtoSW *** and ^W «*)• What hovwld W0W 1S thl8 * 
Oh, gwacious ! a wegular stand-up tight on the premises. 

Mok-f (roaring). Leave go! Murder! . 

N(S!"(SX^«W*4 ™* Md«). Come along you old sinner, 

y °MoKE {struggling). I won't come along ! Help-murder-police- 

five neighbors — thieves ! 7 , 

\mm**,*rvgg»*g. door l. to Jta* ; • »^ tXl\ow ^ A 
Rose (w*«mi0 fr«» worn, b.. amazed); What a hoi u id wow. A 
tenXcombat between an elderly individual ^ ^ 
wovs Stwancre place this; I weally wish I was safe out of it; but I 
ail I would Sod so I will 'pen my sacwed honor! Aha, some one 
appwoaches. ' I'll wetire again. [Re-enters room, a., hastily. 

Re-enter Nobbs, /row door l., in fiat. 

Nob I never see such a himpedent customer in all my born days. I 
was obligated for to tip him my « van, two, three," afore he'd move on. 
Howsomdever, that little matter's settled. 

Susan re-enters, l. 1 e , during the last words. 

Susan Settled, is it 1 that's all right. Missus will be so glad. 

Nob I gave him such a rolly-polying down the stairs. I've loosened 

hl Sut^ 'lervfhim™ ght ! I've no pity for such impertinent puppies. 

Nob (sentimentally). But I say, Susy to think now oi us two com 

ina together agin in this 'ere unexpected manner ; it s foi all the woild 

^l^ir^™ ^ Jul Sdemus, an d no mistake ! But, I 
^l^S^X\ You'd better go and get your half-a-sover- 

61 Rose, (popping his head out of door). Get his half-a-soveweign-oh, 

g ™tr%eproachfully). Half-a-sovereign-I arn't half earned the 
money. (Iquaringupfvy, for ten bob I ought to have knocked him 
clean out of time ! ...•♦■ 

Susan. Come along, Mr. Nobbs, missus ; is awaiting. 

Nob. (thoughtfully). Half-a-sovereign ! ■ Why, he am t ^ ™ oie 
than five shillings' worth-it's like receiving money under ialse pre- 
tences,™ is [Exeunt Susan and Nobbs, door l. 1 e. 

Re-enter Roseleaf/t-oh* room, r. 

Rose, (in great alarm). Oh, gwacious ! J^.fe" ^ 10 '*^^ 
has agreed to settle my business for the twining sum of half-a-sove- 
wei«rn b t he has got hold of the wong man. My f™^™ 
file's in danger. I'll be off. (approaching door at back) Hallo! 
somebody's coming up stairs, (retires a few paces.) 

Re-enter Moke, hat crushed, cravat untied, and coat half off, l. door 
in fleet. He is covered with mud. 

Moke (rubbing his arm). Not a policeman to be found anywhere— 



10 TURN HIM OUT. 

that's the worst of a suburban retreat, (indignantly) There's the City- 
Police, and there's the Rural Police, but the authorities leave the 
suburbs to take care of themselves. The idea of a respectable man 
being positively turned out of his own house— I declare I never had 
suclTa shaking in all my life— but Mackintosh Moke isn't going to give 
it up so. I've come back to be horribly revenged on that ruffian in 
the corduroys. I'll let him know who is to turn out. (looking all 
round) Why, where is he 1 

Rose, {slinking toicards door). If I could just contwive to cweep out. 

Moke (perceiving Rosele^f). Ah! a stranger in lavenders. Hollo! 
you, sir — who the devil are you 1 

Rose. (horribly alarmed — stammering violently). 'Pon my life — a — a 
— I weally don't wemember. 

Moke (furious). I'm not going to have my suburban retreat converted 
into a public thoroughfare — know, sir, that my name is Moke ! 

Rose, (alarmed). The husband, by Jupiter. 

Moke (advancing). Now then, what do you want here ? 

Rose, (stammering violently). A — a — I've called for the — the income- 
tax. 

Moke. The income-tax ! then you'd better call again — but stay ! 
(seizing his hand) Perhaps you can tell me what that brute in the cor- 
duroys was doing in my apartment 1 

Rose, (mysteriously). I can. (looks cautiously round.) 

Moke. You can — then do ! 

Rose, (burlesque mystery— tapping Mm on the chest). I should 
wecommend you to leave the countwy directly. 

Moke (astounded). Leave the country ? 

Rose, {mysteriously). And never weturn ! 

Moke. You would % 

Rose, (mysteriously). I should ! 

Moke [astounded). You don't pretend to insinuate 

Rose, (mysteriously). I do ! 

Moke. You do ? (aside) The devil he do ! What a dreadful suspicion 
crosses my mind — I'll interrogate Mrs. M. this very moment. I dare 
say she's in the study. 

Rose. She is, and so is Corduwoys. 

Moke (with a tragic start). Corduroys ! 

Rose, (hurriedly). But you must excuse me : I'm off. 

Moke (alarmed). Not a bit of it, Lavenders, (detaining him) You'll 
stand by me, Lavenders ; you'll help me to exterminate this low-lived 
desperado, (in a hoarse whiper) We'll fall upon him together, Lavenders, 
— a combined attack of a most tremendous description, (peeps through 
keyhole of room, l.) Why, what do I behold 1 — Mrs. Moke giving the 
scoundrel money — a plot against my existence. I — I say, (turning 
round alarmed) I say, Lavenders, you'll protect me, won't you 1 — we'll 
drop upon the scoundrel and smash him simultaneously. 

Rose, {evasively). Ya'as — we'll smash him, of course, (alarmed) I 
hear him coming, (retreating) Oh, gwacious ! 

Moke (detaining him). Don't run away, Lavenders — you shall hide 
yourself in yonder cupboard, while I conceal myself behind the cur- 
tains ; and when I give the signal, Lavenders, we'll rush upon him to- 
gether — you understand, Lavenders 1 (approaches icindoio curtains, 
and gets behind them.) 

Rose, (in a great flutter). Wush upon him ? — not if I know it — a — a 
— I don't welish this style of thing — I'll just wush off and weturn when 
the wow's is over — I said I would, and so I will, 'pon my sacwed honor ! 
[Exit, l. door in flat, stealthily at back, unseen by Moke. 



TUEN HIM OUT. 11 

Moke (looking from behind curtains). To think that a shabby ruffian 
in corduroys should be in secret intelligence with Mrs. Moke. This 
comes of my staying from home to flirt with fascinating widows. Ah ! 
the ruffian comes, (conceals himself behind the window curtains ) 

Enter Nobbs and Susan, l. 1 e. 

Nob. (tossing half a sovereign). As sweet a hinstalment as ever I re- 
ceived — I think I shall cut the juvenile toy trade, and take to protecting 
females in distress — but, I sa} r , Susan, previous to starting, couldn't you 
accommodate a fellow with a nip o' soramat inwigorating 1 

Susan. Couldn'i I ? — why, of course, I could ; I know missus 'ud be 
agreeable, (crosses to cupboord, r. in flat, and takes out glass and bottle 
on tray.) 

Moke (popping out his head — aside, furiously). Would she, though'? 

Susan (returning with brandy). This is master's very best foreign 
brandy, as he only gives to his particular friends. 

Moke (aside, hysterically). His particular friends ! (shakes his fist) 
. Nob. Then here's your master's health — I looks towards him. (drinks, 
and draws a long breath) Ah ! that's inwigorating. I don't keep much 
of a cellar myself, but I appreciates a good article. Veil, the British 
public demands my services. I'm off; but I say, Susy, you'll meet us 
sometimes at the corner, when you goes for the family errands; and I 
say — you'll sie us a kiss, won't you — gie us a kiss, and I'll gie you a 
windmill ! (kisses her.) 

Susan. La ! Mr. Nobbs ! what a man you are 1 

Mokk (peeping out). Aha! he's kissing my maid-of- all-work — I — I'll 
give the signal at once, (ichistles.) 

Susan l (starting). What's that? (Moke whistles again.) 

Nob. (listening). It's only the vind vistlin' through the keyhole. 
(Moke whistles again.) 

Susan. No ! it's some one behind the curtains— look — they're shaking 
to and fro — it's that horrid fellow come back again ! 

Nob (starting). What ! 

Susan. Oh, goodness, I am so frightened; I'll run and tell missus. 

[Exit, l. 1 E. 

Moke (aside). Why, where's Lavenders 1 I'll repeat the signal. 
(whistles again.) 

Nob. He's a vistlin again ! (scientifically tucking up his sleeves and 
squaring in the direction of the curtains) I'll vistle him ! (approaches 
curtains.) 

Moke (poking his head out). Now where the devil is Lavenders 1 

Nob. (suddenly pouncing upon him) Aha ! it is you, is it ? you've 
come back, have you 1 (drags him forward.) 

Moke (struggling). Halloa! gently; here, Lavenders, where the devil 
are you 1 hi ! 

Nob. There ain't no Lavenders here ! (squaring up at Moke, and 
bobbing scientifically round and round him) Now, then, where will you 
have it 1 

Moke (indignantly). I won't have it at all; I tell you my name's 
Moke ! 

Nob. (continuing to bob round him). I'll moke you ! 

Moke (dodging him r.). I — I'm the proprietor of " Sunflower 
Lodge." 

Nob. (squaring). Ha ! ha ! well, you are a cheeky customer. 



12 TUEN HIM OUT. 

Moke (^retreating, roaring) I tell you I've just returned from the 
country ! 

Nob. {following him up and giving him a tremendous thump). Ther 
you had better go back again. 

Moke (attempting to defend himself— in a towering passion). I — 1 
won't go back again — here — police ! (r.) 

Nob. Ah ! I see you want the " vun — two — three " again — I'll spoil 
your gallivanting for you. 

Moke (roaring). Murder! (Nobbs runs after him — catches him at 
second door l , and carries him off.) 

Nob. (off stage). Turn out, you wile irnposter — turn out ! 

Moke (off stage — roaring). Thieves ! police ! murder ! fire, (terrific 
struggle and noise offurniiiire upsetting and windoiDs breaking, heard 
outside.) 

Re-enter Julia and Susan. 

Julia. Dear me, what an awful noise — what a terrible resistance he 
must be making. 

Susan. He's the most persevering individual I ever heerd on ! (glass 
crash, l. u. e. Noise ceases.) 

Re-enter Nobbs, l. 2 door. • 

Nob. (triumphantly'). I've turned him out! 
Julia (alarmed). Why, what have you done 1 
Nob. I've chucked him out of the window 1 

Sus^n \ ( to ff ether )' 0ut of the window ! 

Nob. Yes ; don't be alarmed — he's all right, I dropped him on to a 
gooseberry bush. I never see such a impident customer — he actually 
had the owdacity to say he was the proprietor of Sunflower Lodge. t _ l 

Susan. Well, I never! 

Julia. What unheard of presumption ! My husband is at this mo- 
ment at Scarborough, and I trust the annoyance to which his wife is 
subjected will be a lesson to him, and make him stop at home for the 
future, (ring heard at bell.) 

Susan. Sumun a- ringing. Ah ! mum, p'raps it's master. 

[Exit, door in flat. 

Julia. I sincerely hope it is, for I never felt so terrified in my life. 

Nob. And werry nat'ral too, mum. (aside) I wonder whether she*Il 
ask me to dinner. 

Re-enter Susan', hastily, followed by two Porteks — bearing a large 
trunk which they set down at back of stage. N. B. the keyhole 
side must be turned away from audience. 

Susan. Oh, please mum, it arn't master, but it's master's luggage ! 

Julia. His luggage % (to Portebs) but isn't my husband there him- 
self? 

First Porter (knowingly). He ain't far off, is he, Bill 1 — ha, ha ! 

Second Porter (significantly). No, that he ain't, Sam— ho, ho! 

. [Porters dig one another in the ribs and exeunt, door in flat, l. 

Julia (puzzled). Not far off, how very mysterious — however, 1 sup- 
pose he'll soon be here, (to Nobbs) Then, my good man, I can only 
thank you for your zeal and ask you 

Nob. (disappointed). To move off the premises I suppose, (aside) 
She might ha' invited me to stop and pick a bit with the governor ; but 



TURN HIM OUT. 13 

that's female gratitude, that is — they'll get all they can out of you and 
then they don't care what becomes of you. {aloud) Then here's wishing 
you good morning. Good-bye, Susy dear. 

Susan. Good-bye, Mr. Nobbs. (aside to Nobbs, l. c.\ Step into the 
back kitchen — I'll. join you, presently. 

Nob. {aside). Back kitchen — all right, (aside— going) I wish she had 
made it the pantry. [Exeunt, door in flat, l. 

Julia. And now I trust we shall have a little peace and quiet. [ 
r. of table and takes up work) By-the-bye, Susan, you must be careful 
never to mention what has happened to your master, (at this moment 
lid of trunk is seen to rise.) 

Susan (at table, n.). Rely on me, rna'rm. (crosses to r. c.) 

Julia. It might annoy him. (Moke pops his head out over lid of 
trunk.) 

Moke (aside). Might annoy him. I should rather think it might — 
the intriguing hussies, I've come back, inside my own box, in order to 
discover the real state of affairs ; I'll petrify them by my unexpected 
presence, (rises in trunk and is about to discover himself, when Rose- 
leaf cautiously peeps in at back.) 

Rose, (aside). The stweetdoor was open, (advancing to Julia) I said 
I would, and so I will, 'pon my sacwed honor! 

Julia (screaming). Ah ! here again ! 
' Rose, (places his hat on table and throws himself on his knees). Yes, 
entwancing creature, here — here — again — always here ! (t7iumps him- 
self on chest with exaggerated gestures and seizes Julia's hand.) 

Susan. Nobbs is in the kitchen, I'll run and fetch him up. 

[Exit, l. 

Moke {recognizing Roseleaf— aside, utterly amazed). Why, there's 
Income-tax at it now ! 

Julia. Unhand me, sir. (breaking from Roseleaf) Oh ! this is really 
terrible ! [Exit, r. 1 e. 

Moke (aside looking out of box). I'll just give that Lavenders one for 
himself. 

Nob. (voice heard outside), Vere is he, let me get at him. 

Rose, (horribly amazed). Aha ! that howid weptile. Oh gvvacious ! 
where the devil shall I run ; I'll take wefuge here, (enters room, r. 2 e ) 

Enter Susan and Nobbs, door l, 

Moke (aside). Corduroys, by Jupiter, (bobs down, box closes with a 
loud slam.) 

Susan (perceiving the box shut). What's that 1 the lid o' the box 
slammed to ? (looking round and missing Roseleaf — astounded and 
significantly to box, crossing to r.) Well, I never, if he aint hid hisself 
in master's box ! 

Nob. (astounded). I never did see such a hartful customer. Howsom- 
dever we've got him safe this time, (approaches trunk on tip toe) As 
turning out aint o' no use, I'll just turn him in / (turns key in lock.) 

Susan (clapping her hands). Ha! ha! he's locked him in — brayvo ! 
capital ! 

Moke (inside box). Eh ! I say ! hollo ! what are you doing ? 

Eenter Julia, door r. 1 e. 

Susan. Oh, missis ! missis ! what do you think 1 (in a hoarse wlviper) 
he's in there ! 

Julia (astounded). In my husband's trunk! 



14 TURN HIM OUT. 

Nob. Ah ! he's a sharp 'un — he knows what's what, he does. It 
ain't o' no use mincing the matter, I'll take box and all and drop him 
into the ditch round the corner, [endeavors to lift trunk.') 

Moke {inside trunk, making a tremendous noise). No ! no ! it's all 
a mistake — murder ! 

Susan (who has meanwhile taken Roseleaf's hat from table). Oh, 
mum, here's his hat, with his address inside it — No. 16 Rosemary Villas. 
Suppose we send him home. 

Nob. (takes hat, looks at address and puts hat on). Very good, I'm 
agreeable ! it's just handy, so I'll charter a light porter, and do the 
thing in style, (tugs at box.) 

Susan (assisting). That way, then, Mr. Nobbs, down the little back 
staircase, and through the garden. 

Moke {roaring inside box). Let me out, it's all a mistake. 

Nob. Yes, it is a mistake, and a mistake on your side, too, (tugging 
violently) what a precious weight he is to be sure, (lets go trunk, which 
falls back with a tremendous noise.) 

Moke (inside trunk — roaring). — o — oh ! 

Nob. Ah, you don't like it, don't you ? Come along you wile impos- 
tor — gently over the stones, (drags box towards door, l ) Not respon- 
sible for damage done, you know, ha, ha ! 

[Exit, l, 3 e., dragging box after Mm — Moke continuing to shout, 
" Let me out," etc., etc. 

Julia (sinks into chair, r., and fanning herself with her pocket- 
handkerchief). I declare the events of this day have thoroughly ex- 
hausted me. 

Susan (sinks into chair l., and fanning herself with her apron). 
I'm in such a flustration, I don't know where I am, howsomdever we've 
turned him out this time, and no mistake. 

Julia. Yes, thank goodness, he can never trouble us again. 

Enter Koseleaf, r. 1 e. 

Rose, (issuing cautiously from room, r.). I said I would and so 

Susan s ( scream ^ n ff violently and starting up). Ah ! 

Julia (in a paroxysm of fear). No, it's impossible — it can't be ! 

Susan [icildly). I do believe he ain't a human creetur ! He's a hob- 
goblin, or a daddy longlegs, or summat supernatr'al. 

Julia. Incomprehensible being, how did you get out of that box ? 

Rose, (surprised). What box ? 

Julia. The box now on the way to your residence. 

Susan. With you inside it. 

Rose, (astounded). With me inside it 1 Aha! I compwehend. (tri- 
umphantly) They have bagged the wrong man, ha, ha, ha ! (stopping 
short) But, oh, gwacious ! (aside) They've sent him to my private 
wesidence (horrified) My wich aunt will hear of my atwocious be- 
havior — I'll run home at once, (to Julia) but I'll return — I said I would, 
and so I will, 'pon my sacwed honor. [Exit l., door in flat. 

Susan (utterly astounded). Weil, if that ain't mysterious, 1 don't 
know what is 1 

Julia (bewildered). Its the most astounding thing I ever heard of ! 
I declare, I'll remove from Sunflower Lodge the moment my husband 
returns. 

Enter Nobbs. l. 2 door. 



TUKN HIM OUT. 15 

Nob. {hastily). I've left him at the perscription. 
Julia. Left him ? Why he's been here again ! 
Nob. {astounded). Here ! Who ? 
Jul. Why, the man in the box. 

Nob. I tell you, I've just left him, with your compliments, at 16 
Rosemary Willas, a kicking away like a hinsane donkey. 
Susan {utterly bewildered). It's getting horful .' 
Julia {amazed). It really is astounding. 

Nob. {mysteriously). Conjuring's a fool to this. It's my belief he 
arn't no hordinary hinterloper — he's a wampire, or a jack-in-the-box, 
one or the other — it arn't safe for two unprotected females to be left 
alone in this 'ere surrubian willa residence, {crosses to c. — to Julia) 
You'd better enter into a prumminent harrangement with me, mum, one 
pound a week, board, lodging and protection included. 

Julia {hastily). Yes, yes, my good man — you had better enter on 
your duties at once. 

Nob, {triumphantly). I know'd you couldn't do without me ; but I 
say, now that I'm one o' the family like, {looking at Ids dress) p'raps 
you could accommodate me with a change of togs, in case visitors 
should call. 

Susan. Ah ! mum, I knows what I'll get him. {going.) 
Nob. And, I say, as you are so pressing, a snack o' lunch wouldn't 
do me any positive hinjury. 

Julia. By all means ! Susan, supply our heroic defender with what- 
ever he may require. 

Susan. Leave him to me, mum — I'll take care of him, mum. {aside — 
going) Nicodemus on the premises — lawks ! How snug it will be. 

[Exit, door l. 1 e. 
Julia. Well, I suppose our annoyances are really over at last. Come 
what may, nothing shall ever induce me to live in a " suburban retreat" 
again. [Exit, door r. 1 e. 

Nob. {alone — looking round) Well, I don't know — this ere surrubian 
retreat is about as snug a crib as I should care to live in — by jingo, if 
they'd only engage me as a wally-de-sham ! — I've had enough of the 
juvenile toy line — half-penny mills is a werry poor way of raising the 
wind. I should like to settle down into a quiet, genteel line of hocki- 
pation. 

Re-enter Susan, with dressing-gown and smoking-cap, and small tray, 
on which are cold meat, jug, etc., door l. 1 e — she places tray on 
table and approaches Nobbs, with gown, etc. 

. Susan. Here you are, Mr. Nobbs — I've brought you master's dressing 
gown. That's about the style o' thing, eh ? 

Nob. {putting on gown, lohich is too large for him). Not exactly what 
I calls a fit, howsumdever, {putting'.on smoking-cap) the general effect's 
pretty tidy, {wheels up a large easy chair and sits down at table) Ah ! 
that's the style, {rubs his hands joyfully.) 

Susan {affecting surprise). Well, 1 never, if I ain't been and brought 
up two plates. 

Nob. Bray vo ! you'll join in a friendly mossel, won't you, Susy % 

Susan {sitting down at table). Well, now, if it ain't like old times us 
two' a sitting together agin, {gushingly) Oh ! Nicodemus, do you re- 
member when we used to play at fly the garter 1 

Nob. {tenderly). Do I remember, Susy 1 Of course I do ! {gate bell 
heard — Susan starts up.) 



16 TUKN HIM OUT. 

Susan (sharply). Drat that bell, I declare there ain't no remembering 
nothink. [Exit Susan, l. door in flat. 

Nob. (with his mouth full). I never see sich a place for knocks and 
rm g S — i hope to goodness it ain't the governor come home, (pours out 
beer and drinks.) 

Re-enter Susan with Moke enveloped in an immense mackintosh — the 
low w part of his face is entirely concealed by a comforter -he also 
wears a wide-awake pulled close down over his eyes — Nobbs is com- 
pletely concealed by back of arm-chair. 

Moke {disguising Ms voice). Letter from Mr. Moke to Mrs. ditto — 
bearer waits. . 

Susan (aside -snappishly). Drat the bearer? (aloud) I'll give it to 
missus. [Exit, r. 1 e. 

Moke (aside — tragically). I'm convinced there's a sensation drama of 
a diabolical description now performing within these very walls. I, 
Mackintosh Moke, have been turned out of my own house — pitched out 
of my own first floor window, and rattled about in my own box like a 
tee-to-tum in fits, but Mackintosh Moke isn't going to give it up so ; I'll 
sift this horrible mystery to the uttermost ; and then, (tragically) for 
vengeance — full, complete and terrible! (stamps.) 

Nob. (with his mouth full). Who's that a stamping on our carpet. 

Moke (who has meanwhile come forward, perceiving Nobbs). Aha ! 
what do I behold 1 That costermonger figged out in my garments, and 
consuming my provisions. Fire and fury! He seems to live here ! 
(watching) Two plates too! (furiously) Mrs. M. has evidently been 
hob-nobbing with the scoundrel. 

Nob. (looking round — with his mouth full). I say, you in the water- 
proof. Old Moke ain't coming home, is he 1 

Moke (icith withering sarcasm). Perhaps you'd prefer " old Moke " 
would stop away 1 

Nob. Stop away ! I wish he'd stop away altogether. 

Moke (aside — tragically) He owns it; the miscreant owns it ! 

Nob. (with his mouth full) Don't get such snug quarters every day ! 
And then, the missus is so precious kind to me. 

Moke [starting violently). The* devil she is! (wildly) I — I— can't 
stand this ! (tragically) I feel an irresistible desire to plunge yon carv- 
ing-knife into the miscreant's bread basket ! (stealthily steps behind, 
table and seizes carving-knife.) 

Nob. (suddenly turning round). Now then, gently with that 'ere im- 
plement. 

Moke (stammering violently). I — I — was about — a — a — to cut myself 
a — a sandwich. 

Nob. {retreating to a). Then perhaps you'll cut it a little farther 
ff_or if you'd cut it altogether I should prefer it. I don't half like 
this gent in the waterproof. 

Enter Julia and Susan, hastily, r. 1 e. 

Julia (looking at letter). This is really incomprehensible ! my husband 
in this lett.er overwhelms me with the bitterest reproaches ! 

Moke (aside). How well she feigns surprise! 

Julia (bewildered). He accuses mo of having hired an assassin in cor- 
duroys to turn him out, and {referring to letter — surprised) throw him 
out of the window ! 



TURN HIM OUT. 17 

Nob. {aside). Corduroys ! {pulling up dressing gown and looking at 
his nether garments — crossing to r.) 

Julia, (beicildered). What on earth does he mean 1 I'll hasten to him 
at once, (turning to Moke, c.) But where is my husband ? 

Enter Roseleaf during last words, cautiously at back, door in flat, l. 

Rose, (l., not recognizing Moke, aside). Where's her husband ! 
(aloud) I know where he is. I'll take you to him ; (offering his arm) 
he's just wound the corner. 

Moke (r. c, hastily interposing— furiously). He isn't wound the 
corner. 

Julia (l. a). He isn't 1 (bewildered) Then where is he 1 

Moke (throwing off his cloak — striking a tremendous attitude — trag- 
ically) Here — off! off! disguise. Moke is himself again ! Oho! aha! 
(burlesque tableau.) 

All. What! 

Julia (joyfully approaching him). My dear husband ! 

Moke (tragically). Woman, avaunt ! (Julia starts back in surprise.) 

Rose, (alarmed). The husband again! Oh, gwacious! (gets behind 
arm-chair.) 

Nob. (r., dumbfounded). Husband ! and I've been giving him " vun, 
two, three." I'd better make it up at once, (turns round tcith extreme 
cordiality) Moke, my dear fellow, how are you ? 

Moke (with tremendous dignity, pushing him away). Off, burglari- 
ous desperado ! 

Julia (re- approaching). But, my dear Mackintosh 

Moke, (to his toife, who has approached him). Don't Mackintosh me. 
Away, deceitful female ! 

Julia (astounded). Deceitful female ! is it possible 1 Yes, yes — I see 
it all. (to Nobbs) You've been turning out the wrong man. 

Nob. (bewildered). So I perceive. But where's the right 'un ? 

Rose, (aside). It stwikes me I'd better be off. (creeps stealthily from 
behind arm-chair, and makes for the door.) 

Julia. Why, there he goes ! (pointing to Roseleaf.) 

Nob. Aha ! (running after him) No, you don't — not a bit of i 
(dragging him back) Oho! you're the hidentical, are you % 

Rose, (horribly alarmed). No, I'm not — 'pon honor, I'm not ! 

Moke (seizing Rcseleaf by the ear). You've called for the income 
tax, have you ? 

Nob. (dragging him). Then, we'll give you ninepence in the pound ! 
I've turned a 'spectable man out of his own house, and all along of 
you, eh 1 

Rose, (stammering). N — n — no — I — I — I— Oh, gwacious! this is 
dweadful ! t - 

Nob. (continuing). Howsomdever the 'spectable gentleman went out 
o' that window, (pointing off, l. 2 e. ) The wile impostor shall go out o' 
this ! 

Moke (seizes Roseleaf). Out with him ! 

Rose, (struggling — horribly alarmed). No — no — you wouldn't be so 
«wuel. 

Moke ) (together). Wouldn't I though. I (Moke and Nobbs take him 

to window, c.) 

Nob. Now, then, prepare for instant hextermination. (they take Rose- 
leaf and attempt to raise him.) 



18 



TTJKN HIM OUT. 



Rose, (in agony of terror). Murder ! 

SUSAN \ i Screamin ^' Ah ! 

Moke. Out with him ! the ornamental water butt's just outside, (they 
lift him to the window ledge.) 

Rose, (on his knees on window ledge — to Julia suppliantly). A — a — 
you wouldn't suffer them to sacwifice an inte westing fellow cweature 1 

Julia. Well, (laughing) I'm afraid I must intercede for him after all. 
(to Roseleaf) You'll never persecute unprotected females again % 

Rose, (stammering). I said I would, but I weally {looking at Julia 
who is checking him) wont, upon my sacwed honor. 

Moke {releasing him). Let me catch you calling for any more income- 
tax, that's all. (aside) It serves me right for flirting with fascinating 
widows, when I've got a charming wife at home. 

Nob. (releasing Roseleaf, and approaching Moke — making a leg). 
No offence, your honor's worship — if I did turn you out it was all for 
your own good you know, (taking off dressing gown, etc.) 

Moke. My own good ? (rubbing his arm ruefully) Ahem ! I don't 
know how to express my gratitude. 

Nob. Then I'll tell you. Engage me as a wally-de-sham 

Susan. Oh, do, sir ! he'll look splendacious in red plush. 

Moke {aside). He certainly would make a magnificent Johnny. 

Nob. And if you wants a reference, I've plenty o' references, (to au- 
dience) You'll give me a reference, won't you, ladies and gentlemen 1 I 
always exert myself to give satisfaction, so recommend the engagement, 
and I'll take care you shall never have occasion to say " Turn Him 
Out." 

CURTAIN. 






DE WITT'S 

ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA. 



" Let those laugh now who never laughed before, 
And those who always laughed now laugh the more." 

Nothing so thorough and complete in the way of Ethiopian and Comic Dramas 
has ever been printed as those that appear in the following list. Not only are the 
plots excellent, the characters droll, the incidents funny, the language humorous, 
hut all the situations, by-play, positions, pantomimic business, scenery, and tricks 
are so plainly set down and clearly explained, that the merest novice could put 
any of them on the stage. Included in this catalogue are all the most laughable 
and effective pieces of their class ever produced. 

#** In ordering, please copy the figures at the commencement of each play, 
which indicate the number of the piece in "De Witt's Ethiopian and Comic 
Drama." 

J^~ Any of the following plays sent, postage free, on receipt of price— 
15 Cents Each* Address, 

CLINTON T. DE WITT, 

JVb. 33 Rose Street, New York. 



P. female. 



The figures in the columns indicate the number of characters— M. mate, 



No. 
73. 
107. 



79. 



108. 

35. 

41. 
12. 
53. 

m. 

110. 

111. 

50. 
64. 



M. F. 

African Box, burlesque, 2 scene 5 
Africanus Bluebeard, musical 

Ethiopian burlesque 6 2 

Baby Elephant, sketch, 2 scene 7 1 
Barney's Courtship, musical 

interlude, 1 act 1 1 

Bad Whiskey, sketch, 1 scene. 2 1 
Black Chap from Whitechapel, 

negro piece 4 

Black Chemist, sketch, 1 scene 3 
Black-ey'd William, sketch, 2 

scenes 4 1 

Big Mistake, sketch, 1 scene.. 4 

Bogus Indian, sketch, 4 scenes 5 2 
Bogus Talking Machines (The) 

farce, 1 scene 4 

Bruised and Cured, sketch, 1 

scene 2 

Charge of the Hash Brigade, 

Irish musical sketch 2 2 

Coal Heaver's Revenge, negro 

sketch, 1 scene 6 

Cremation, sketch, 2 scenes... 8 1 

Daguerreotypes, sketch, 1 scene 3 
Damon and Pythias, burlesque, 

2 scenes 5 1 

Darkey's Stratagem, 1 act — 3 1 
De Black Magician, Ethiopian 

comicality, i scene 4 2 

Deeds of Darkness, Ethiopian 

extravaganza, 1 act 8 1 

Draft (The), sketch, 1 act 6 

Dutchman's Ghost, 1 scene... 4 1 



No. 

95. 
67. 
4. 
98. 
52. 
25. 

51. 

88. 

106. 



23. 



Dutch Justice, sketch, 1 scene 11 
Editor's Troubles, farce, 1 see. 6 

Eh ? What is It ? sketch 4 

Elopement (The), farce, 1 scene 4 
Excise Trials, sketch, 1 scene. 10 
Fellow that Looks Like Me, in- 
terlude, 1 scene — .... 2 

Fisherman's Luck, 1 scene.... 2 
First Night (The), Dutch farce, 

1 act , 4 

Gambrinus, King of Lager 
Beer, Ethiopian burlesque, 2 

scenes 8 

German Emigrant (The), sketch 

1 scene — , g 

Getting Square on the Call Boy, 

sketch, 1 scene 3 

Ghost (The), sketch, 1 act 2 

Ghost in a Pawnshop, 1 scene. 4 

Glycerine Oil, sketch. 3 

Going for the Cup, interlude. . 4 
Good Night's Rest, 1 scene. .. 3 

Gripsack, sketch, 1 ccene 3 

Guide to the Stage, sketch.... 3 

Happy Couple, 1 scene 2 

Hard Times, extravaganza, 1 

scene 5 

Hemmed In, sketch 3 

High Jack, the Heeler, 1 scene 6 

Hippotheatron, sketch 9 

In and Out, sketch, 1 scene... 2 

Jealous Husband, sketch 2 

Julius, the Snoozer, 3 scenes,. 7 



DE WITT'S ETHIOPIAN AND COMIC DRAMA (Continued). 



No. M. P. 

103. Katrina's Little Game, Dutch 

act, 1 scene 1 2 

1. Last of the Mohicans, sketch.. 3 1 

36. Laughing Gas, sketch, 1 scene. 6 1 

18. Live Injun, sketch, 4 scenes. . . 4 1 
60. Lost Will, sketch 4 

37. Lucky Job, farce, 2 scenes..... 3 2 

90. Lunatic (The), farce, 1 scene.. 3 
109. Making a Hit, farce, 2 scenes.. 4 

19. Malicious Trespass, 1 scene.... 3 
96. Midnight Intruder (The), farce, 

1 scene 6 1 

101. Mollie Moriarty, Irish music- 
al sketch, 1 scene 1 1 

8. Mutton Trial, sketch, 2 scenes 4 

44. Musical Servant, sketch, 1 see. 3 
49. Night in a Strange Hotel, 

sketch, 1 scene 2 

22. Obeying Orders, sketch 1 scene 2 1 
27. One Hundredth Night of Ham- 
let, sketch 7 1 

30. One Night in a Barroom, 

sketch 7 

76. One, Two, Three, 1 scene 7 

87. Pete and the Peddler, Negro 

and Irish sketch, 1 scene .2 1 

9. Policy Players, sketch, 1 scene 7 
57. Pompey's Patients, interlude, 

2 sc jnes : 6 

65. Porter's Troubles, 1 scene 6 1 

66. Port Wine vs. Jealousy, sketch 2 1 

91. Painter's Apprentice (The), 

farce, 1 scene 5 

92. Polar Bear (The), 1 scene 4 1 

14. Recruiting Office, sketch, 1 act. 5 

45. Remittance from Home, 

sketch, 1 scene 6 

105. Rehearsal (The), Irish farce, 2 

scenes 4 2 

55. Rigging a Purchase, sketch, 1 

scene 3 

81. Rival Artists, sketch, 1 scene. 3 

26. Rival Tenants, sketch 4 

; 15. Sam's Courtship, farce, 1 act.. 2 1 

' 59. Sausage Makers, 2 scenes 5 1 

80. Scenes on the Mississippi, 

2 scenes 6 

21. Scampini, pantomime, 2 scenes 6 3 
84. Serenade(The), sketch,2 scenes 7 

38. Siamese Twins, 2 scenes 5 

74. Sleep Walker, sketch, 2 scenes 3 

46. Slippery Day, sketch, 1 scene. 6 1 
69. Squire for a Day, sketch 5 1 

56. Stage-struck Couple, 1 scene.. 2 1 
72. Stranger, burlesque, 1 scene... 1 2 

and 2 children. 
7. Stupid Servant, sketch, 1 scene 2 
13. Streets of New York, 1 scene . 6 
16. Storming the Fort, 1 scene 5 

47. Take it, Don't Take It, 1 scene 2 
54. Them Papers, sketch, 1 scene. 3 

100. Three Chiefs (The), 2 scenes . . 6 

102. Three A. M., sketch, 2 scenes. 3 1 
34. Three Strings to One Bow, 

sketch, 1 scene 4 1 

2. Tricks, sketch 5 2 

104. Two Awf ids (The), 1 scene.... 5 
5. Two Black Rosen, sketch 4 1 

28. Uncle Eph's Dream, 2 scenes.. 3 1 
62. Vinegar Bitters, sketch, 1 scene 6 1 
32. Wake Up, William Henry. .. . 3 



M. p. 

Wanted, a Nurse, 1 scene 4 

Weston the Walkist, Dutch 

sketch, 1 scene 7 1 

What Shall I Take ? farce, 1 act 8 1 

Who Died First ? 1 scene 3 1 

Who's the Actor? farce, 1 

scene 4 

Wrong Woman iu the Right 

Place, sketch, 2 scenes 2 2 

Young Scamp, sketch, 1 scene. 3 



DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS (Continued). 



No. 
144. 

34. 
137. 
111. 
119. 
165. 

48. 

32. 
164. 
109. 

85. 

87. 
143. 
189. 
163. 
154. 



7. 

49. 

15. 

46. 

51. 
184. 
108. 
188. 
169. 
130. 

92. 
193. 

140. 

115. 
2. 

57. 
104. 
112. 
385. 

84. 
117. 

171. 
14. 

173. 
176. 
90. 

170. 



M. F. 



Lancashire Lass, melodrama, 5 acts. 12 
Larkins' Love Letters, farce, 1 act . . 3 

L' Article 47, drama, 3 acts 11 

Liar (The), comedy, 2 acts 7 

Life Chase, drama, 5 acts 14 

Living Statue (The), farce, 1 act. . . . 3 
Little Annie's Birthday, farce, 1 act. 2 

Little Rebel, farce, 1 act 4 

Little Ruby, drama, 3 acts 6 

Locked In, comedietta, 1 act 2 

Locked Tn with a Lady, sketch, 1 act. 1 

Locked Out, comic scene 1 

Lodgers and Dodgers, farce, 1 act. . 4 
Leap Year, musical duality, 1 act. . . 1 

Marcoretti, drama, 3 acts 10 

Maria and Magdalena, play, 4 acts . 8 
Marriage at Any Price, farce, 1 act. 5 
Master Jones' Birthday, farce, 1 act. 4 

Maud's Peril, drama, 4 acts 5 

Midnight Watch, drama, 1 act . . 8 

Milky White, drama, 2 acts 4 

Miriam's Crime, drama, 3 acts 5 

Model of a Wife, farce, 1 act 3 

Money, comedy, 5 acts 17 

Mr. Scroggins, farce, 1 act ... 3 

Mr. X., farce, 1 act 3 

My Uncle's Suit, farce, 1 act 4 

My Wife's Diary, farce, 1 act 

My Wife's Out, farce, 1 act 

My Walking Photograph, musical 

duality, 1 act 

Never Reckon Your Chickens, etc., 

farce, 1 act 3 4 

New Men and Old Acres, comedy, 3 8 5 

Nobody's Child, drama, 3 acts 8 3 

Noemie, drama, 2 acts 4 4 

No Name, drama, 5 acts 7 5 

Not a Bit Jealous, farce, 1 act 3 3 

Not So Bad as We Seem, play, 5 acts. 14 3 

Not Guilty, drama, 4 acts 10 6 

Not Such a Fool as He Looks, drama, 

3 acts 5 4 

No:hing Like Paste, farce, 1 act 3 1 

No Thoroughfare, drama, 5 acts and 

prologue 13 6 

Off the Stage, comedietta, 1 act 3 3 

On Bread and Water, farce, 1 act. . . 1 2 

Only a halfpenny, farce, 1 act 2 2 

Only Somebody, farce, 1 act. ...... 4 2 

One too Many for Him, farce, 1 act. 2 3 

£100,000, comedy, 3 acts 8 4 

Orange Bio soms, comedietta, 1 act. 3 3 
Orange Girl, drama, in prologue 

and 3 acts 18 4 

Ours, comedy, 3 acts 6 3 

Our Clerks, farce, 1 act 7 5 

Our Domestics, comedy farce, 2 acts 6 6 
Our Heroes, military play. 5 acts. . .24 5 
Out at Sea, drama in prologue and 

4 acts 16 5 

Overland Eoute, comedy, 3 acts 11 5 

Peace at Any Price, farce, 1 act 1 1 

Peep o' Day, drama, 4 acts. 12 4 

Peggy Green, far.e, 1 act 3 10 

Petticoat Parliament, extravaganza, 

in one act 15 24 

Photographic Fix, farce, 1 act 3 2 

A COMPLETE 



2 2 

1 1 



No. M. P. 

61. Plot and Passion, drama, 3 acts 7 2 

138. Poll and Partner Joe, burlesque, 1 

act 10 3 

110. Poppleton's Predicaments, farce, 13 6 

50. Porter's Knot, drama, 2 acts 8 2 

59. Post Boy, drama, 2 acts 5 3 

95. Pretty Horse-Breaker, farce, 1 act. . 3 10 

181 and 182. Queen Mary, drama, 4 acts.38 8 

157. Quite at Home, comedietta, 1 act. . . 5 2 
196. Queerest Courtship (The), comic op 

eretta, 1 act 1 1 

132. Race for a Dinner, farce, 1 act 10 

183. Richelieu, play, 5 acts 16 2 

88. Rightful Heir, drama, 5 acts 10 2 

77. Roll of the Drum, drama, 3 acts. ... 8 4 

Ruy Bias, drama, 4 acts 12 4 



S3. 



133. 

153. 



194. Rum, drama, 3 acts 

195. Rosemi Shell, travesty, 1 act, 4 

scenes 

158. School, comedy, 4 acts 

79. Sheep in Wolf's Clothing, drama, 1 
37. Silent Protector, farce, 1 act ...... . 

35. Silent Woman, farce, 1 act 

43. Sisterly Service, comedietta. 1 act . . 
6. Six Months Ago, comedietta, 1 act. 

10. Snapping Turtles, duologue, 1 act. . 

26. Society, comedy, 3 acts : 

78. Special Performances, farce, 1 act. . 

31. Taming a Tiger, farce, 1 act 

150. Tell-Tale Heart, comedietta, 1 act.. 
120. Tempest in a Teapot, comedy, 1 act. 
146. There's no Smoke Without Fire, 

comedietta, 1 act 

Thrice Married, personation piece, 

1 act 

Time and the Hour, drama, 3 acts. . 
Time and Tide, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 7 

Timothy to the Rescue, farce, 1 act. 4 
'Tis Better to Live than to Die, 

farce, 1 act 2 

134. Tompkins the Troubadour, farce, 1 3 

29. Turning the Tables, farce, 1 act 5 

168. Tweedie's Rights, comedy, 2 acts.. 4 

126. Twice Killed, farce, 1 act 6 

56. Two Gay Deceivers, farce, 1 act 3 

123. Two Polts, farce, 1 act 

198. Twin Sisters (The), comic operetta, 

lact 3 

162. Uncle's Will, comedietta, 1 act..... 2 
106. Up for the Cattle Show, farce, 1 act. 6 
81. Vandyke Brown, farce, 1 act 3 

124. Volunteer Review, farce, 1 act 6 

91. Walpole, comedy, 3 acts 7 

118. Wanted, a Young Lady, farce, 1 act. 3 

44. War to the Knife, comedy, 3 acts. . . 5 
105. Which ofthe Two? comedietta, lact 2 

98. Who is Who? farce, 1 act 3 

12. Widow Hunt, comedy, 3 acts 4 

5. William Tell with a Vengeance, 

burlesque 8 

Woman in Red, drama, 3 acts and 

prologue 6 

Woman's Vows and Mason's Oaths, 

4 acts 10 

Woodcock's Little Game, farce, 2 4 
Young Collegian (Cantab.), farce, 1 3 



136. 
161. 



7 3 



4 4 

1 
1 



DESCRIPTIVE CATALOGUE 



of DE WITT'S ACTING PLAYS AND DE WITT'S 



ETHIOPIA N AND COMIC DRAMAS , containing Plot, Costume, Scenery, 
Time of Representation and every other information, mailed free and post paid. Address, 
ROBERT M. DE WITT, 33 Rose Street, New York. 



L I £S WRY 0F INGRESS 




Send at once a 
DE 

Great NOVELTY Catalogue, 

Comprising a large number of the most 
INGENIOUS, USEFUL, ENTERTAINING, WONDERFUL, AND MIRTH-PRODUCING ARTICLES 

Ever found in any one Circular. 

This IVOVEI/riT Catalogue will be sent to any address entirely Free 

of Cost and Postage. Address 

CLIXTOX T. DEWITT, Publisher, 33 Rose St., New York. 



OXL.Y FIFTY CENTS A YEAR. 



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Strictly for tlie Amusement of tlie Home Circle. 



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laughable Anecdotes, the most reliable Articles on Trade, Art, Literature, the Farm, the 
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OFFERED FOR SUBSCRIBERS TO 
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This Premium List will be forwarded Free, and postage paid, to any address. 
E3P" It offers grand chances to Agent* and others. Address 

CLINTON T. DE WITT, 

(Successor to Robert M. De Witt), 

Publisher of the Home Fireside, 33 Rose St., New York. | 

: : J 



